ernie

Bob Diener remembers...

Subject: This is a test. This is only a test. Had it been an actual alert, you would have been dead by now. (50's humor) "There are two kinds of people in the world --- Dieners and those who wish they were!" --- Joe Biden

A TRUE STORY OF ERNIE DIENER, and how he almost became rich and famous.

Years ago (1950's) brats were relatively unknown. They were made by various immigrant groups of Germans, Czechs, and others. Threy were only sold locally, since they were made from fresh meat, not smoked. Recipes varied from place to place. Some recipes called for veal and pork, or even beef. Ernie grew up in Sheboygan, which today calls itself the brat capitol of the US.

Ernie worked at the A&P, which at the time was the largest retailer in the world. He worked his way up to assistent manager and spent long years moving from store to store in places like Manitowoc, Kaukauna, Beaver Dam, and Waukesha, Finally he was named manager of the store in Hartford, following the end of WWII. He was very successful in making that store the obvious number-one! He gave us our work ethic.

He almost always had a moustache --- school friends often asked if he was Adolf Hitler. Younger brothers John, David, and Ricky (Rick, Dick) often complained that their friends often taunted them by saying, "Let's all go to the A and P (pee!!)" Most of us went to public schools, because there was no Lutheran school yet. In Hartford there were only two choices --- you were either a cat-licker or a pup-licker.

//Interlude. Ron loved to hitchhike. He developed quite an assortment of his travel accounts --- and who was there to question them? One day out of the blue, Ron decided to visit J.G. in Neenah. He asked me if I wanted to go along, and I said "Why not?" We hitchhiked along the new Highway 41 when it was just new (old 41 was renamed 175). Some spots had only two lanes, and there were few homes or businesses along the way. I only remember J's red-haired sister. Girls were beginning to fascinate this boy! We made it home, but it was dark, and we walked quite a bit. What an adventure!! Ron was my hero!//

Ernie's suits were wide in the lapels and he always wore extremely wide ties. He was in fashion at least once per decade as we grew up. He took a kind of perverse pride in buying and driving old cars. The ultimate was the 1938 black Ford he bought for $25 from a little old lady in Hustisford. If you have pictures of the dedication of Peace Lutheran Church in 1959, the car is in most of them. Mom was not amused. At all. She cried.

// Interlude. John was the official car tester in the family. When Dad would get a new --- well, "different" --- car, John would always see how fast it would go. (I remember one of those test drives, with the interior of the car filling with smoke!) Dad's hottest car was a bright red 1963 Dodge coupe. I think John got that one over 110 mph. //

About that time, Ernie informed his local congregation about brats and suggested they be added to the menu at an upcoming church picnic. The picnic and outdoor service were held at the East Side Park. He offered to make home-made brats, to be served with the usual hamburgers and hot dogs. The new addition was a huge success.

// (Leaving space here for the story of how the confirmation class boys challenged the Ladies Aid to a softball game. Remember, in those days women did not sweat [they glowed], and they would not think of engaging in anything as strenuous as softball. But they took on the challenge, and soon you could see Lil S., Bernice B., and the rest trying to play softball in heels and bright summer dresses. Mom wisely chose not to participate! Skirts were flying, and pre-adolescent boys were in heaven!) //

Disclaimer. Any Diener story is ultimately about Mom. Margaret, thank you! She'd hated "Marge," She was a child of her times, forced to leave school in sixth grade to care for others in the family home, including two blind aunts named Gusta and Bertha. She decided right there and then to read every day. She was a housewife, but don't dare say ONLY a housewife. She was a great cook --- sem students in Ron's day voted her the best cook of all the students' mothers! She cooked ethnic foods before she knew what they were called --- broda, fleisch-beruch, rice-boiled-in-milk, and noodles and melted butter. (My Grandma Diener actually made her own noodles!) She kept up to date, developing her own recipe for pizza. And remember dipping pretzels into a dip, made up of cream cheese, onion juice and beef bouliane. In Mom's eyes women didn't work outside the home. I think Dad came up with that one, actually. She drove kids to and from schools in Watertown and Hustisford, She volunteered for that, to be a pink lady at the hospital, and was a member of both the ladies aid and the Lutheran Women's Missionary Society at church. She was invited to join the altar guild, but only attended one meeting. Too hoidy toidy! A defining moment in her life, I believe, was being eyewitness to her sister's murder by her estranged husband when Margaret was only 10. It made the front page of the Sheboygan Press, but we only learned of it as adults. She never talked about it --- ever! But now we know where Elnora (actually Mom's niece) and her siblings fit into the family. As we grew up, she faithfully wrote press releases about our graduations, weddings, etc., for the Hartford Times Press. Mom's all-time classic statement --- to Dad after he retired. "When one of us dies, I'm moving back to Sheboygan." And she did for a time, but later returned to her real hometown, Hartford. We had a standing rule after Dad died. Whenever we'd get together, we had to have a new joke to tell. About the 90-year-old guy who married an 85-year-old chick. They spent the honeymoon trying to get out of the car! A great honor for me was being the responsible caregiver for Mom when she had to go into the nursing home. Payback time! An indelible memory were the many times watching Mom, Judy, and Lisa sitting and talking and laughing with leaking heads. The three greatest people I ever met.

But, back to the brats.

Brats are cooked over charcoal; and at that time no grill was commercially available. Some homes had spcially built outdoor fireplaces. They very substantially made, but not really effective because of the small grill area. Most of them wound up covered with spider webs and dead leaves. So Ernie got together with Schmitty, the local blacksmith (who else?), and made a large (3x4 feet) grill, using heavy-gauge steel for the base, rack supports, and supporting legs (which were pipes that were driven into the ground).

// Interlude. One day David came home from play and announced, "I just climbed the biggest tree on Sumner Street!" Mom seemed appropriately impressed. "You must be a professional!" David's face suddenly changed. He was in shock. "I'm not a professional. I'm a Lutheran!" //

Brats need charcoal; and we're not talking about charcoal briquets! Real pieces of charred wood! Not saw dust and drain oil! I knew my Dad was getting old when he started using briquets --- I never forgave him!

// Interlude. I never learned why he did this, but one day Jim used liquid shoe polish to give several little brothers moustaches, side burns, and beards. I remember him laughing so hard he shook and his head started to leak. Liquid shoe polish is a permanent dye, in case you didn't know. When Mom got home, Jim got himself into trouble. And the young brothers chanted "yeah verily!" (I hear Jim tells this story to explain his love of classical music.) And it was Jim who pushed me out of a window without opening it. Remember! The folks' bedroom. North window. Yes, you did! No wonder I grew up the shortest! Shame on you! Well at least now Heidi and Tim can know the truth! //

Back in those days men were really men, and real men used their bare fingers to flip the brats and check for their done-ness. Yes, it was hot and, yes, you frequently burned yourself. It was a badge of honor to have all the hair burned off your fingers and the skin a delightfully bright red. Bandages, burn ointment, etc., were out of the question. Perhaps a piece of ice from the washtub that held the quarter barrel of beer.

Ernie stuck to a very basic receipe --- pork loins, salt, pepper, garlic powder --- stuffed into "casings," which are pig intestines! (There once was a Natural Casings Company in Hartford in part of the old Kissel Kar plant.) Each brat was about 1/4 of a pound; and Ernie taught his sons how to brade the roll into individual brats. We tried, but no one could make them as full and uniform as Dad did.

The home-made brats grew so popular that Ernie and his six boys made up huge batches, providing them to the church picnic and friends and associates in town. I recall a Christmas holiday when we filled special orders for the locals. He also made brats for the boys' Arbor Days; when we'd meet with college and seminary classsmates at the Diener manse along the shores of the Rubicon River. Once there was a contest to see who could eat the most brats. Big "Gos" put away 15 __double__ brats into his massive 315 pound body. But the champ weighed in at only 245 pounds. J. B. (now a seminary professor) devoured 16!! Thirty-two of those 1/4 pound brats --- 8 pounds of meat!

// (Leaving space here for the story of R. S., who fainted at one of the parties. Ernie's best friend, Allie Berndt, revived R. We kept encouraging R --- "Keep moving. That guy whose helping you is an undertaker!" Thern there's another story of a softball game where we finally said, "this is the last inning." With two outs the team 13 runs down actually won the game! And I remember Ron's party when I was a kid; and how, late that night under a starlit sky, J. P. [who became a prof at Northwestern College] gave a graphic demonstration of how to castrate a pig!) //

// Interlude. Dick was Ricky when he was young. You know --- the younger brother of David (think Ozzie and Harriet!) At one of those Arbor Day parties Ricky insisted on reading some "jokes" out of a book he owned. He was only 7, but that's no excuse. It is not funny that a caterpillar is a worm with a sweater, nor is it a thigh slapper that the only dog who does not bark is a hot dog. And we got criticized for calling him Dumb Dick. I rest my case, your honor! //

During this time (we only learned about this much later), was an incident where some wealthy townsfolk (Fred Shauer, the Berndt boys, Krueger the photographer, etc.) came to my dad and offered to underwrite a new business. Ernie could make brats full-time; and they could be sold all over Wisconsin and even in Chicago. They would provide the money; all Ernie need do is make those incredible brats!

You know "the rest of the story." The next time you have brats, be sure they're done correctly. First grill them completely. (They are done if the meat still feels a little squishy. If they're hard, you've overdone them, be ashamed for at least a decade ... and you call yourself a German Lutheran!) Then put the grilled brats into a bath, made up of a can or two of Miller's (not Miller Lite, Miller Draft, etc. Miller's!), a stick of butter, and two large onions coarsely chopped. And taste what the banquet in heaven will be!

And think of Ernie. And Margaret. And those Diener boys (How many of them were there?) And how life could have been so very different. And it probably would not have been a much fun as we actually had!

Bop (the third one) a.k.a. Sparky Pasadena

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